


Admit Nothing

by ShyBear



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: Coming Out, Coming of Age, Developing Relationship, F/F, Rookie Blue - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-18
Updated: 2014-03-18
Packaged: 2018-01-16 05:40:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1334128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyBear/pseuds/ShyBear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was a one shot that turned into a four shot. It begins somwhere between 4x09 and 4x10. It is the prequil to After All.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Admit Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I love hearing from you! So PLEASE COMMENT! And yes, I will be getting back to writing more chapters of Absence soon!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gail has a day off and time to think about her life.

_So even if I am in love with you, all this to say, what's it to you_

_Observe the blood, the rose tattoo, of fingerprints on me from you_

_Other evidence has shown, that you and I are still alone_

_We skirt around the danger zone, and don't talk about it later_

_And I tried so hard to resist when you held me in your handsome fist_

_And reminded me of the night we kissed, and of why I should be leaving_

_\- Suzanne Vega_

 

* * *

 

**Gail**  was sitting on the ledge behind the stairs, feet dangling over the five story drop, bottle of tequila held loosely between her legs. She often came here when the world became too much. When she wanted to hide. When she wanted to think. She knew that it was dangerous, and possibly stupid to be perched up here on the edge of the roof like this, drinking, but that was part of the appeal.

Nick had left her again, or maybe she had finally left him, after he had decidedly abandoned her – for the umpteenth time, again. She wasn't sure. Why did everything have to be so fucking complicated? And why was she always the one who got hurt in the end? Sure, she had cheated on him, with that disgusting little man. But what was that one time in comparison with the six months he had just spent with Andy? She was now convinced that they had wasted no time before hopping into bed together the minute they were alone on that assignment. How could she have been so blind? And why did it take that stupid little bitch, Chloe, pointing it out for her to see what everyone else seemed to already know? She was sure that they were all laughing at her behind her back, again.

She took a deep pull on her bottle and let the liquor burn all the way down to the hollow pit in her stomach. She closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the wood of the shed behind her.

Fuck.

She took another swig and decided that she should really be getting out of here, the chill of the crisp fall air was beginning to bite at her ears and fingers and nose. Just then her phone began to vibrate. She considered simply tossing it into the abyss for one reckless moment, before reaching into her pocket and looking at the screen.

Holly.

Fuck.

Holly, who was smart, and funny, and weird. Holly who had _fucking kissed her_ at Frank and Noelle's wedding, leaving her stunned and tongue-tied. Holly, who she had been hanging out with, almost on a daily basis lately; and Holly who she liked a whole lot more than she knew she should probably admit, even to herself.

"Whatcha doin' Slugger?" the text flashed on her phone.

So fucking smug. She was never going to let Gail live that down. Gail put the bottle down on the ledge next to her.

"Nothing much. What's up?" She shot back.

_Why?_ Why did she let this nerd have such a profound effect on her? She felt herself beginning to smile in spite of herself.

"No date tonight? I was just leaving the morgue and I thought you might be hungry." Holly replied.

"No, after I ditched Robin Hood last week, I have been avoiding my mother ever since." She chuckled as she typed

"Can you be at Mae's for burgers in 30?" Holly wrote back

"See you there." Gail felt an unexpected jolt in her solar plexus and her heart speed up with anticipation.

Really? _Really?!_ Come on Gail, get it together! She pulled her feet up and shimmied back onto the roof. She stood up shaking her head and laughing softly to herself. What am I, some kind of freakin' Disney princess? Just because seeing Holly makes me happy doesn't mean anything. Does it? Just because I was hoping to hear from her, that I can't stop thinking about her, that I can't stop thinking about the way she likes to casually touch my arm or about her lips… NO! I'm not a fucking lesbian! Not that there is anything wrong with that. But I'm not! I can't be falling in love…

with…

her.

_Fuck_.

Lost in this train of thought, Gail barely noticed as the bottle of tequila slipped from her fingers and smashed on the roof at her feet. The noise from the breaking glass and the cold liquor splashing on the leg of her jeans woke her from her stupor. Great. Now she would have to clean this up, and change her clothes.

After settling on skin tight leather black jeans, a V-neck indigo jumper, that cling in all the right places, and her favorite boots, she carefully re-applied her eyeliner, red lipstick, and gave herself a quick squirt of perfume that she knew Holly liked. Why did she care? She didn't know. It wasn't like this was a date. Was it? Well, whatever it was, she was going to look good, she decided as she threw on her jacket and gave her hair one final brush so it hung soft and loose around her face. She dialed for a cab and hoped that Holly would have her car with her this evening. It would be good if she could get Holly to drive her home later. She took a deep breath to try to stop where her mind was going with that.

Shit.

Well, it didn't matter anyway. Even if she was having some kind of stupid girl crush, she was sure that Holly would never feel that way about her. Sure, Holly had kissed her at the wedding, and she had kissed her back, but that was all just champagne and snark, and reflex. Wasn't it? Ok, so that kiss had made her entire body tingle and flush. And, yes, it was annoyingly occupying far too much of her head right now. But, it's not like either one of them had even mentioned it since. In-fact, when Gail had seen her the next day, Holly had gone on spouting forensic blah, blah, blah, and splitting her chicken sandwich with Gail like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. The buzzer rang announcing Gail's cab had arrived. She gave herself one more quick once over in the mirror, and decided to steel herself into doing what she did best. When in doubt, deny everything.


	2. Blood and Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here we go from Holly's POV

_I am intense,_

_I am in need,_

_I am in pain,_

_I am in love._

_And I feel forsaken,_

_like the things I gave away_

_\- Amy Ray_

* * *

 

Holly was a fool. She knew she was, and yet she couldn't seem to stop herself. She had been so lonely for so long. She knew Gail wasn't the cure, and yet.

She had had friends, a community, a life, but when her last relationship had come crashing painfully down after six and a half years, she had left and come here, to a new job, in a new city. She hoped she could rise like the Phoenix from the ashes of her old life, so she had spent her time writing books, and papers, and getting her research published. Cutting edge research on DNA recovery, more innovative autopsy methods, and crime scene reconstruction, and that was getting her noticed with the best of the best in the field of forensic science. Heck, she even had a tour on the scientific conference lecture circuit all planned out and scheduled for the spring, both here and in the States.

So what was she doing wasting her time with this messy, broken, straight girl, cop? So what, if Gail was incredibly hot, wickedly funny, deliciously intelligent, tough as nails and irresistibly fragile; or in other words, a sure recipe for heartbreak and disaster? Her friend and colleague Jen, was already giving her a considerable amount of shit for picking up another "rescue project", as she liked to say.

Jen was one of the few people she still knew from before. They had both worked at the same hospital in Vancouver until Jen took a job offer from the Toronto Police Forensic Sciences Department. On the day her ex had told her that not only was she leaving Holly for a man, but that they were planning on getting married, and having kids, Jen had miraculously called from out of the blue. Holly hadn't meant to bleed all over that call, but she couldn't seem to keep it all inside when Jen asked how she was doing. It all came out in one messy gush, the secret affair, the cruel accusations about her being married to her work, about her being some kind of ghoul, about wanting a normal life that being a lesbian couldn't provide. Within two weeks Jen had called her back with the job opening for a Senior Forensic Pathologist with the Toronto PD. That had been a year ago. So they had sold the house in Lion's Bay, and she had come here.

Gail.

Gail was like no one she had ever met before. Gail was an enigma, and she was intrigued. To be sure, Holly could see all of the pain, and self-destructive tendencies, behind the snark and swagger, but she could relate to that. She had been surprised when Gail had invited her to her boss's wedding, as her plus one. But she was all about growing these days, and now they were seeing quite a bit of each other. Normally she would call what they were doing dating, but in her heart, she knew it would probably remain platonic. With all of the stupid straight girl questions, and constant flirting, she knew Gail was attracted to her, and that was dangerous too. It's true, she had started it by going toe to toe with Gail on the very first day they met. It was fun, addictively fun.

On the night she had blown off dinner and chick flicks with Jen to pick Gail up at the hospital, Jen had put her foot down. There had been a moment when something had shifted and she thought Gail was going to kiss her as they said goodnight. But Gail had simply pressed the intoxicating soft velvet of her cheek up against Holly's and whispered "Thank you for everything." in her ear, while stroking Holly's other cheek with her fingertips, before turning to go. Did Gail even realize what she was doing? It had taken Holly a minute to swallow the lump in her incredibly dry throat, and regain her composure enough to say "Goodnight Gail!" to Gail's retreating form.

"What the fuck are you doing with your straight girlfriend, Holly?" Jen had demanded, when Holly told her about it, "You know she's only going to break your heart."

She knew Jen was probably right, but she was already in too deep.

"I have this friend from my Wednesday night yoga class…" Jen began And now she had a real live date with a real live lesbian planned for tomorrow night.

They were going to meet at The Penny after work and go out dancing from there.

The phone in her office rang. She knew who it probably was without looking at the caller ID. Yup, Gail.

"Dr. Stewart's Road Pizza, may I take your order?" She answered.

"Hey. What are you doing?" She could tell Gail was smiling by the tone of her voice.

"I was just working on the DNA report from the homicide at the beach this morning." She replied

"And?" Gail wanted to know.

As tempting as it was to go out with Gail tonight, she didn't want to risk talking about her date tomorrow. She was starting to feel guilty, but really why should she? Gail was dating a different guy almost every other night. Well that wasn't exactly true either. Gail was going to meet the men her mother had set her up with, and then ditching them to hang out with Holly on most nights.

"I donno Gail, I should really get this done…" She said reluctantly

"Oh." Gail sounded genuinely disappointed. "I was thinking we could grab a bite and then go catch the ten o'clock show of the Bugs Bunny Cartoon Festival at the Strand."

"That sounds like fun! But…" Why was she turning Gail down?

"Oh. Well that's ok…" She hated it when Gail started sounding disappointed and a little bit insecure.

"Hey! I'll see you later this week though, right?" She said firmly

"Uh, sure. I guess so…" Gail said in a quite voice.

Holly knew she was going to cave.

"Listen, why don't I see if I can't get this done any faster. If I can get out of here at a reasonable hour, I'll call you." She sighed.

"Yeah, that's cool. I'll probably be at the Penny with the boys." Gail answered.

"Sounds good. Maybe I'll see you there." Holly hung up her phone.

What the fuck was she doing, anyway? She hit print on the documents on her computer. If she hurried, she could be at the Penny by nine thirty. Holly took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. She really was a fool.


	3. Icebergs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gail runs into Holly and her date at the Black Penny...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate all of your comments, reviews, tweets, and PMs! Thank you for reading! AND Thank you for coming on this little detour with me! Now back to work on Absence... Enjoy!

_The Icebergs, floating in stunned peace that moves slowly toward the bright rim of the Earth, are mercilessly shattered by their own destiny. All of their whiteness was born of the dark, all of their fires were lit by the cold at the ends of the Earth. From their depth to their summits they were brought up to silence. They might have stayed there in perfect peace until all time had died. But there was a flaw in the whiteness. It was in love with the light. And with unspeakable pain it set out to reach the Sun, forsaking everything else forever._

_\- The Songs of the Icebergs, W. S. Merwin_

 

* * *

 

Holly has someone new.

I should be happy for her.

Gail pulled her knees up tighter to her chest in a vein attempt to fill the aching void that was threatening to swallow her whole. She stared out into the dark abyss of her room. The frame of her bed bit into her back as unwitting tears soaked into the flannel of her lounge pants. Her hand still hurt from having punched the bathroom stall at the Penny hard enough to leave a dent, when Holly had left with her new apparent someone, someone.

"I am so fucking stupid!" she moaned into her knees, covering her head with her arms.

Thank God for Chris! Although he had kept glancing nervously from Gail to Holly and back, he hadn't asked any questions, he had just kept buying her drinks. And thank God that Chloe and Dov were so oblivious to anything outside of their own little Disney bubble they hadn't noticed anything might be wrong. They had little cartoon hearts and birds spinning around their heads every time they looked at each other. It usually made her want to puke, but tonight she was grateful.

When Holly had gotten up to go, she thought she saw her look her way, and for one brief instant she thought she saw Holly hesitate. But then her date had leaned over and said something that made Holly smile and laugh, the way Holly used to smile and laugh with her, as they put on their coats. When she saw Holly put her hand on the small of her date's back to guide her through the crowded bar and out the door, Gail couldn't take it any more. She kicked back her drink and stood up so fast it knocked her chair to the floor. Dov's concerned question barely registered as she rushed to the thankfully empty lady's room to punch the wall, and scream, and hide her tears in a stall.

Shit.

Not even Nick and Andy made her lose control like this. She had left the Penny from there and run all the way home.

Run.

Her.

Run.

What the fuck was wrong with her? Gail awoke to the sound of her alarm clock going off, curled into a tight ball on the floor of her bedroom. Her head hurt almost as much as her heart, and her entire body ached. She felt sick. Had she actually slept? Not really. Today was going to be fucking lovely, she could already tell. Chris met her as she stumbled into the kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hand.

"Hey Gail, are you ok?" He said softly, that look of puppy dog concern on his face, "You left your jacket at the bar. We were worried." He held it up for her to see.

"I'm fine, Chris!" She said a little more harshly than she meant to.

It unfortunately didn't faze him at all.

"Well you know Gail, people do care about you. I'm just sayin', that's all." He said offering her a hot banana chocolate chip muffin he was pulling from the oven.

Damn.

She scowled. Why did he have to be so nice to her? She grunted at him and took a bite. Delicious! She might have to eat three or four more of these if she was going to survive the morning.

"Hey, if you hurry you can beat Dov and Chloe into the shower. You know there will be no more time or hot water if they get there first!" He offered, changing the subject.

"Thanks!" She headed for the bathroom, smiling bleakly at him, while grabbing another muffin, and stealing Chris's coffee.

He simply smiled and shook his head as he poured himself a fresh mug.

The ride in to work was mercifully quiet with Dov and Chloe wrapped up in each other in the back seat of Chris's truck. And there was no time for talk before they rushed off to change into their uniforms either. Her phone began to vibrate in her pocket on as she sat down for parade. She glanced at it under the table.

Holly.

"Hey Gail!"

Fuck. It buzzed again.

"Lunch? Chinese Dumpling House?"

She ignored it.

Recertifications and signing up for the range were the forefront topic of today's briefing. Good. It looked like it was going to be a quiet, uneventful day. Thank God she was riding with Oliver! If she had been riding with Andy, or Nick, or Chloe, somebody was going to die. She and Oliver were on their way to his favorite bakery when the call came in, "Shots fired, officer down, repeat, officers under fire. All units respond!"

_HOLY SHIT!_

They were the first unit on the scene. The medics were somewhere right behind them. Gail could see Chloe's legs sticking out from behind a huge freakin' monument rock as she got out of the car. Andy was kneeling over Chloe on the ground where Oliver raced to join her. Gail stood in the middle of that empty space, weapon drawn, feeling powerless to protect her friends, but she would try.

"Open your eyes and talk to me, Chloe!" Oliver was practically shouting.

Gail had never felt so exposed and alone. She scanned the park, weapon drawn, but everything was still. Where the fuck was everyone?

"Come on darlin' open your eyes! Price! Price! Stay with me!" She could hear Oliver behind her.

"Oliver? Where are the Medics?" Andy was pleading.

Where the fuck were the medics anyway? Time slowed down to a snail's pace. Gail was frantic, but everything was moving in slow motion. The ambulance finally arrived seconds later. Two EMTs jumped out of the back running toward them with a backboard and medical bags in hand. Gail sprinted along with them, covering them with her gun, searching the surrounding rooftops for danger as she ran. It was pure agony, like trying to run through clear gelatin or being stuck in a freeze frame movie. They scooped Chloe onto a backboard and ran at a crouch back to the waiting bus. The ambulance took off as more cop cars arrived on the scene from everywhere at once, and the world exploded back to real time, just like that.

They were back in the car when it hit her.

Dov.

Oh no! Dov was going to freak! She could only be grateful that he was assigned to booking today and wasn't there to witness Chloe lying on the ground, covered in her own blood! She hoped that Chris would be able to be there for him! She knew Oliver could see right through her, her love, her pain, the deep concern she was hiding behind the flippant attitude, but she couldn't just let him in. She didn't know how without falling apart. She had just begun to tell him about how much of an idiot Dov was for Chloe, how truly worried she was, when the nine-one-one call came in.

Christ, the place was a dump! She had made some sarcastic comment about the probability of hippies living there, and Oliver was making fun of her about it. He had stopped the car and was standing there, leaning on his open door teasing her about double checking the address with dispatch too. He had just leaned back into the car to get his forgotten notebook when the first shot rang out shattering the window of the car door where he had been standing literally seconds before!

MOTHERFUCKER!

She didn't think, she reacted, grabbing him by the vest and pulling him back into the car. All she could hear were gunshots and the beating of her own heart. All she could think about was Holly.

Back at the house, Frank had called an emergency meeting. The mood was grim and tense, nobody sat, they all stood at ridged attention listening.

Holly.

Frank was talking about how this was personal, that they, at division fifteen, were being stalked and hunted.

Holly has someone new. Why does that hurt so much?

Frank was talking about Chloe.

Shit.

Holly has someone new, and she didn't even tell her.

A spark of anger flared in Gail's chest.

Frank was saying something about the dangers of wearing the uniform, and honor, and duty.

She had been shot at! Would Holly even care?

Holly has someone new, and now I am alone, again.

And it hurt like never before.

Frank was dismissing them with "Let's all come home tonight!"

If she was going to survive, she would have to lock all of her feelings away and throw away the key. She was ready. She could run, she knew how. She would leave Holly to her new someone, someone, and never look back. She took a deep breath and rushed back out into the hall, clipping her radio back on as she hurried to find Oliver.

Holly.

As if summoned by her thoughts there she was standing in the middle of the chaos carrying a blue folder. Gail could tell by the way Holly was standing there was something wrong. She had never seen Holly looking so lost before. God she was beautiful!

Holly has someone new, and she didn't even tell her.

The anger was back.

"Hey! What are you doing here?" She demanded as Holly spun around to greet her.


	4. Stand Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holly goes back to the lab after going to see Gail again at the 15 - only to be pushed away in a moment of "gay panic" on Gail's part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, one last chapter before Chapter 1 of After All starts. And I thought I'd give Holly equal time too!
> 
> Thanks again for all of your reviews, tweets, PMs, and Comments!

_I'm gonna stand up and let myself be counted for_

_stand up now_

_I've got my one life and what's it to amount to_

_if I don't learn how_

_to love you and love myself beside you_

_mix the gentle and proud_

_I want to love life. the vision in the window told me_

_stand up_.

_\- Ferron_

* * *

 

**Holly** hated it when Jen was right! She was sitting at her desk uselessly trying to concentrate on the report in front of her. Damn you Gail! How did you get under my skin so thoroughly!

She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes in an unsuccessful attempt to hold back the tears of anger, frustration and fear. Yes, fear. In spite of it all, she was still in this way over her head, which is why she had gone back to the station, only to be rejected by Gail in a moment of severe gay panic.

Damn her!

She knew that that wasn't exactly fair. Sure, Gail had kissed her. Well, more than just kissed her, made out with her actually, like a pair of hormonal teenagers in the heat of the moment. She understood that people did funny things when they thought they were going to die though. Or as her university biology professor had said, all mammals react by acting on the four Fs of basic genetic programming when under stress, Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and… um… engaging in sexual behavior. And now here she was, left to reel it all back in if she wanted to stay friends.

Of course she did, didn't she?

Holly had been out for well over ten years, and she would be damned if she would let anyone, even Gail Peck, push her back in to the closet! She had come too far, fought too hard, and lost too much to ever go back. In her senior year of high school, she had been forced to admit, if only to herself, that she was attracted to girls as well as boys. One night her best friend had passionately kissed her in a moment of drunken abandon. It had made her knees actually buckle! Something she thought was just the stuff of the trashy romance novels some of the girls liked to read aloud during lunchtime, until that moment. When her BFF had feigned amnesia and then teased her when she tried to talk to her about it the next day, Holly had dutifully reeled back in all of her feelings, or tried to, and gone on like nothing had happened. But nothing was ever the same. It wasn't until she fell head over heals in love with her lab partner in her junior year at the university, that she realized what she had been missing with the guys she was dating. Even though that affaire was short lived, it had changed her forever! Holly knew that she could easily pass for straight, but she refused to become a silent minority. She wanted to feel comfortable where ever she lived and worked. She was determined to have a good, if not great life and not deny who she was, if only by omission. If people in her life were going to talk about their relationships, so was she! It was only normal.

Damn you Gail!

Oh God, it hurt!

Why did she let herself do these things? _Why?_

When she had heard that all of division fifteen and every other available cop in the city was suiting up as if to go to war, fear had driven her back to see Gail. Who was she fooling? She was the one who needed comfort! She was the one who needed to lay eyes on that bright star of a girl who had stolen her heart. What the hell did she expect anyway?

Tea.

What she needed right now was a nice calming cup of tea. She rummaged around in her bag to find the package of green dragon, jasmine tea, she had picked up on her way in to work this morning, and the tea ball she always kept with her. When the electric kettle started to whistle, she realized she wasn't alone in the break room. There was a conversation going on between several of her colleagues behind her about how that cop who had been kidnapped earlier had been found. There would be no rest for them tonight if the bodies from the raid that was about to go down started rolling in, so they had all better grab dinner now while they still could.

Oh no! Gail!

Holly felt like someone had just hit her hard in the stomach with a live wire.

Shit!

She grabbed her tea and started to rush back to her office.

"Hey Dr. Stewart!" Dave, one of the entomology interns called out to her, "We're going to order out for pizza. Are you in?"

She had to get out of here before she started to lose it completely!

"Uh, yeah, no thanks, I'm all set." She managed while heading for the door.

"Are you sure?" He replied.

"Yup. All set. Thanks!" She pushed passed him and ran to her office, shutting the door behind her.

"What the hell is up with her?" she heard him mutter on her way out.

She put down her tea and began to pace, clenching and unclenching her fists as she went. She was trying to breathe, but the air was too thick. She must have picked up and put down her phone at least five time in the matter of so many minutes when it began to ring.

Gail.

Oh, thank goodness!

"Holly. Hey." Gail's voice was soft and full of emotion.

"Hey, listen, I'm really sorry…" Holly began

"No, Holly, you listen!" Gail stated firmly, "Chris said I should call you. And he was right, and I haven't got much time…"

"Ok…" She replied

"I know I upset you earlier. You know, at the station…" Gail continued.

"It's ok Gail, I get it. I'm sorry if I read too much into what happened earlier…" Holly sighed, hardly believing she was back peddling like this.

"No. You didn't." Gail took a deep breath, "Listen, I need to say this now because I might never get another chance, and I need you to know…"

"Don't say that!" Holly interrupted.

"Just listen!" Gail cut her off, "It's not that you… that we… well you know… it's that if I let you touch me…" Gail took another deep breath, "If I let you in… let you hold me… like I wanted to… well… I had to stay strong… keep it together… you know? I have to do this…"

"Ok." Holly said in a shaky voice, her heart beating wildly.

"Look, in three minutes, we are all going to stack up against the door of this church and walk into God knows what." Gail cut her off again, "I just needed you to know it's not because I care about what anyone else thinks… if that's what you think… **_I care about you for fuck's sake!"_ **

Holly felt a giant jolt in her solar plexus. She was just about to say something when the noise behind Gail got suddenly louder.

"Look, ETF just got into formation. I gotta go! I'll call you later if I can." Gail hung up, leaving Holly to stare in stunned silence at the phone in her hand.


End file.
